The Drug of You and Me

I’m not much of a poet, or a songwriter, but I tend to get a little intense when I’m up late. This is my song.

The Drug of You and Me

For all the shit I don’t buy,
For everything you do, 
Did you really think it 
Could get away from you? 
I know you don’t avoid it,
I know you’re selling out. 
I see all that you’re hiding 
Bleeding out your nose and mouth.

Lines of what you wish for,
Drags of broken dreams. 
The high clouds up your memory 
Of bursting at the seams. 
You’ll never find the answer, 
That sigh of sweet release, 
If you keep running, shaking, waiting, 
Holding on to me

It starts between the hours 
Of loneliness and doubt 
When you’re memory deceives you 
Of what you should figure out. 
You see all of the reasons, 
You see the choice is clear. 
But still the voice will plea you 
Surrender to the fear.

Lines of what you wish for, 
Drags of broken dreams. 
The high clouds up your memory 
Of bursting at the seams. 
You’ll never find the answer, 
That sigh of sweet release, 
If you keep running, shaking, waiting, 
Holding on to me

You’ll never make it out of here, 
This twisted memory. 
It’s got you in it’s clutches, 
Oh baby, can’t you see?

Lines of what you wish for, 
Joints of broken dreams. 
The high clouds up your memory 
Of bursting at the seams. 
You’ll never find the answer, 
That sigh of sweet release, 
If you keep running, shaking, waiting, 
Holding on to me

 

 

Three

Over the break, I’ve had a lot of time to let my mind wander. I’ve been thinking about a lot of things, and for some reason, (I think it’s the fact that my brothers are home) my mind kept wandering to the topic that is stereotypical to the seventeen-year-old girl’s mind: boys. And I’ve come to the conclusion that there are three boys a girl needs in her life:

1. God. This one’s important, because if you don’t have Him, than you’re never going to really experience the fullness that life has to offer. My relationship with God is slightly off-kilter at the moment, but I’m trying to work on it. I know how important it is to have God in your life, and I can’t imagine what it would be like to not have anything to believe in.
2. A father. I love my dad so much, and I can’t imagine what it must be like to live your life without one. I can tell my dad just about anything, and he’s always messing with me and making me laugh. At the same time, he also knows when I need a kick in the butt, and when I upset him, I know I’ve done something really really bad. But, in the end, he always loves me, and I can never stay mad at him for too long.
3. A best guy friend. I don’t have one yet, but I think it’s important that every girl has a boy friend (not boyfriend, there is a distinction) that she can mess with and laugh with and be herself around. I know that this isn’t always the easiest thing, and the fear of that turning point when one of you anticipates more. And though that can be messy, I think there is a certain sanctity in having a close friend of the opposing gender, and an understanding that is met by having that friendship.

I know it seems like a strange thing to be talking about, and it might not make sense to anyone but me, but I find that these are some of the most important aspects of a girl’s life. Having these three boys in her life will help her grow, learn and be the best person she can be.

Christ In Youth T-shirt day

Going to my youth group to deck out our church t-shirts for CIY. I’m glad I get to go this year, because I’ve never been before. I’m sooo excited to be a part of it, and I hope going makes me feel closer to the kids in youth group, and closer to God, because with everything going on lately, I’m going to try to stop worrying about all the crap that seems to be creeping up all over the place. It’s annoying that I have to be around all the drama that has nothing to do with what I’m supposed to be doing. And I know that last part probably doesn’t make a whole lot of sense, but it doesn’t matter. I just need a place where I can go.

The thing about it, though, is I’m trying really hard not to distance myself from everyone, but I feel like that anyway. I feel like I’m just…trying to move on, but at the same time, I’m waiting for someone to stop and ask me if I’m okay. I want to be able to DO things, instead of sitting around and listening to everyone talk about the same problems. I need to talk to someone, but I think my problem is that I’m usually the listener. When people ask what’s wrong, I just try and turn it around and make it about them, when inside I’m jumping up and down because I feel trapped. I’ve always felt that way; like I can’t ask for help because I can handle it on my own, and it seems like everyone has bought into that version of me for a long time. They accept the fact that there’s nothing wrong, because I don’t say anything about it. Mostly because I hate confrontation, and I can’t handle being told what’s wrong with my life and ‘why don’t you do something about it’ and blah, blah, blah. I’m not asking for you to solve my problems here, I just wanted someone to listen to me instead of saying ‘Hi, how are you? Really? That sucks. Well, bye!’ And that’s all I’m seeming to get these days.

I keep telling myself I’m going to change things, that I’m going to live better and take my fate into my own hands and all these other ‘live in the moment’ type sentiments that they always depict in inspirational movies and stff, but it’s not that easy. Seventeen years of the same routine is really hard to break, and I can’t do it by myself. And I know it’s my life, and I’m the only one who can live it, but does that really mean I have to live it alone?

Day 17: Trade it All

If I could trade places with anyone in the whole world…

I’d probably trade with Missy Higgins. If I could be that creative, I’d probably never stop writing. I’d sing all the time, and I’d be able to play the guitar AND the piano, and make money on it. My dream. Plus, she’s an Aussie, and gorgeous. Yeah. I’d wanna trade with her.

Stressed

My brain is fried to the max. I can’t even think straight…Went to turn in my textbooks today, and found out neither of them were mine. REALLY? Not to mention I have to write my resume, get three letters of reccomendation, and all this other random crap I don’t want to deal with.
Do you ever feel like you can’t get a hold on anything, or that the world is going by without you?
Even writing doesn’t seem to help. I can’t remember being this blocked and this ready for the year to just…end.
Nobody seems to notice anymore. People just go and go. Maybe with summer, there will be more time.
I feel like I’m stuck in a place that won’t help me. I keep thinking it’ll get better, but it never really does. I can’t focus, and it all floats by me like clouds in the sky (which hasn’t been very blue, I might add). There’s no end in sight, and I just want it all to be over.
Can we just be done with it already? I can’t even pay attention to what I’m writing enough to make sense. And I’ve basically come to the conclusion that asking for help will just lead to empty promises and acting like people get it when they don’t. They just…don’t.
That’s all I really have to say. So, there you go.

Get Real

That’s where I am right now. I’m ready to just…be me, and not le people faze me so much. I’m weird, so what? At least I know I’m not normal, and I embrace it (most of the time). It’s better than walking around worrying about what people are really thinking when they look at me.
So, there are things you need to know about me if you really want to know me:
1) It bothers me when people are vague. It’s annoying, because you never know what they’re really saying.
2) I never understand why girls act the way they do. The drama, the fears…I mean, I’m guilty as well, it’s just weird that we act this way.
3) I have my opinions, and I don’t know why people find the need to change them. I’m seventeen…I’ll learn for myself, okay?

That’s pretty much all for now thanks for reading.

Day 16: Look at This Photograh; Every time I Do, It Makes Me Laugh

This is a picture from…last year? Two years ago, maybe? I just got my hair cut and I wanted to show people…Don’t know what’s up with the face I made. Haha

Waking Up to Love

There is no fear in love; but perfect love casteth out fear.
John 4:18

Things are changing so much for me. It seems like all of a sudden, I want to be someone new. I want a change, and it’s happening.
I finally have been able to see that my relationship with God (or lack of one) has been keeping me from loving the people I care about the most in the world. I know that they always tell us that ‘God is love’, and that we should put him first before everything else, but I never really understood what that meant. I mean…Family is important too, right? And friendships? But then I realized, that maybe I was building the wrong relationships at the wrong time. I understood that if I built my relationship with God more, I would not only understand my relationships outside of Him, but also begin to make them stronger, or see that those relationships were not as healthy as I had originally thought.
I think that God knew it was my time to explore these things. My youth pastor over the last few weeks has been coming down hard on us (in a totally good way, though) and causing me to re-evaluate what it means to love the people in our lives. It made me realize, I wasn’t loving God as much as I was loving the other things that were less important. At this same time, my good friend lent me a novel about a girl that seemed to be in a similar situation.
After reading, praying, and opening my heart to listening to God, I feel more calm and focused than I ever have before. Now I’m not saying I’m going to become a pastor or anything right this second, but I feel like instead of stumbling through my life with no real sense of comfort, I can focus on understanding where it is that God is leading me.

I know that I am new at this, and I know that I’m going to struggle just as much as before, but now that I have accepted that there is more to this life, and that loving people is a true calling from God, I can begin to see the path that God is creating for me. I just hope that I can stay on it and reach that destination, wherever it may be.

Don’t Drop Your Arms

“This is the correlation of salvation of love.”- Anberlin

That song has been in my head ever since fifth period today. I love Anberlin so much; They make you feel like you’re not alone in the world, and they seem to calm me down in a profound, serene way.
Things are changing. I’m reconsidering so much about myself. I think back to my goals of junior year, and how I haven’t really accomplished them. And then I realize: maybe I’m setting the wrong goals entirely. Maybe I need to focus more on the things that effect my life in a different way.
I set a goal at the beginning of the year to find an inner peace within myself. Now that I look back, maybe I was looking for the wrong type of peace. Maybe I need to put myself into a different perspective, or come out of the shell that I put myself in.
 I used to be so different as a kid; I wasn’t self-conscious like I am now. When did that happen? I used to be able to say things and not care if I sounded stupid. Speaking my mind didn’t seem so difficult. Does that come with age? Or is that just our generation? I don’t know, but I wish I could still be that way.
In all honesty, I think that people get to us. I think that when you’re in middle school and high school, and you see the kids who seem to know what they’re doing, it’s easier to feel smaller than you should. People don’t do it on purpose, it’s just the development of preservation: being alone is dangerous. Get in a group before it’s too late.
I think that’s why people are the way they are. Well, teenagers anyway. They’re so afraid of getting real and being rejected by their friends that they fake it until they can’t anymore. And I think that I’m getting there, too.
I want to be able to say:
-I feel like I don’t fit in.
-I feel different than all of the other kids at school.
-I can’t tell who my real friends are.
-I feel like a nuisance to over half the people I talk to.
-There’s no one that understands how hard it is to be so aware of everyone around them, but barely understand themselves.

So, I guess I need to re-evaluate afew things. I started keeping a short journal, with quotes and little ‘Important Events of the Day’. My new goal is to have it filled before the end of the summer, and then give it to someone to read without shame or nervousness. (Though I know these are human traits I can’t avoid). I just pray that I can keep my goals in the right mind and for the right reasons. Pray for me?

Day 15: Shuffle Along

15 Songs whe the Pod is on shuffle: (Epic random playlist)

1. Britney Spears- Lucky

2. Fall Out Boy- Dance, Dance

3. Secondhand Serenade- Take Me With You

4. Marc Cohen- Walking in Memphis

5. Goo Goo Dolls- Here is Gone

6. The Click Five- Catch Your Wave

7. Panic! At the Disco- Always

8. The Cab- High Hopes and Velvet Ropes

9. OneRepublic- All We Are

10. Taking Back Sunday- One-Eighty by Summer

11. Anberlin- Day Late Friend

12. Shontelle- Impossible

13. Maroon 5- Runaway

14. Linkin Park- Lying from You

15. John Mayer- Not Myself

Hahaha thinking I’ll make this into a playlist